Help! I Broke my Engagement - Now What?
Unfortunately, not every engagement ends with a marriage. I answer viewer questions on websites and one question we see several times each year concerns broken engagements and how to pick up the pieces. The first reaction of many brides, who are often caught up in the emotional distress of the moment, is a desire to distance herself from the whole situation - forget about the guy, the wedding, and anything associated with it. However, unless she has someone who is thinking clearly to help her through the process, she may inadvertently make the situation worse, lose money, and prolong the agony.
So what is a girl (and guy) to do? It depends on how close to the wedding day the event was cancelled. If the engagement is broken months before the wedding, it may be fairly easy for the wedding planner to contact merchants and cancel services. If the wedding day is right around the corner, the bride may have arranged special services, such as manicures for her bridesmaids, that she hasn't discussed with her planner. The same is true for the groom. He needs to be involved in cancelling services as well (unless he is on a plane to Iraq, in a coma, or has another extenuating circumstance).
So, what needs to happen first? Two things - guests and merchants need to be notified ASAP. If wedding invitations have been mailed, the bride, her mother or another close friend or relative and the groom or his mother will need to contact guests and alert them of the situation. Rather than go into details, which should be kept private, a postcard can be sent simply stating that the wedding will not occur as planned. If time is short, however, phone calls will need to be made or emails sent.
Gifts that have been received should be returned, preferably unopened. If a gift has been opened, find a suitable box and return it with a note. If a gift has been used, the giver should be informed. The giver can then either ask for the item back or allow the bride or groom to keep it. And don't forget about money. If the couple received and spent gifts of money (a no-no before the wedding), they need to figure out how to return it. Likewise, shower gifts should be returned.
Any merchant to whom a deposit has been paid should be informed of the cancellation. If a deposit wasn't made, but the merchant is holding the date for the couple, he/she also needs to be contacted. Whether the couple can recoup any of their deposits depends on state law and how close to the big day the wedding was cancelled. Many states allow a merchant to set his/her own cancellation policy as long as it appears in writing in their contract or at the bottom of an invoice. Therefore, check your contracts first before contacting merchants. If contracts don't include a cancellation policy, then state law applies. Contact your state department of consumer protection, often part of the attorney general's office, for guidance.
Not all merchants will accept a cancellation from your wedding planner, your mother or a friend if that person did not sign the original contract (wedding planners should never sign contracts). Some merchants may require notification in writing from the bride or groom, not verbal notice.
A merchant might charge a cancellation fee and then later refund the balance of the deposit if he/she can re-book the date, or a merchant may state that deposits are non-refundable or have another policy. If the wedding is cancelled months in advance, it doesn't hurt to ask if any portion of a non-refundable deposit can be returned. If the wedding was cancelled because of a death, serious illness or injury, merchants are often willing to work with you. If the wedding is cancelled close to the wedding date, however, or because someone got cold feet, don't expect to get your money back.
Refunds should be secured in the same manner in which the original payment was made, by crediting a credit card or by check. If you paid a merchant in cash, it is wise to ask for a refund by check, just in case you need proof in the future. If a parent or someone other than the bride or groom made the payment, it should be returned to that person.
If the wedding is cancelled near the wedding date, couples may be required to pay any outstanding balances on contracts. If a venue cannot be re-booked, a caterer has already ordered food, or a florist ordered flowers, they will expect payment. Though it may seem like adding insult to injury, failure to comply could result in a trip to small claims court.
In addition to wedding merchants, anyone planning a shower, bachelor or bachelorette party should be informed so she/he can cancel their plans.
Broken engagements are never easy, no matter the reason. They are emotionally draining for everyone involved, but don't let emotion stand in the way of doing what must be done to put the situation behind you.
So what is a girl (and guy) to do? It depends on how close to the wedding day the event was cancelled. If the engagement is broken months before the wedding, it may be fairly easy for the wedding planner to contact merchants and cancel services. If the wedding day is right around the corner, the bride may have arranged special services, such as manicures for her bridesmaids, that she hasn't discussed with her planner. The same is true for the groom. He needs to be involved in cancelling services as well (unless he is on a plane to Iraq, in a coma, or has another extenuating circumstance).
So, what needs to happen first? Two things - guests and merchants need to be notified ASAP. If wedding invitations have been mailed, the bride, her mother or another close friend or relative and the groom or his mother will need to contact guests and alert them of the situation. Rather than go into details, which should be kept private, a postcard can be sent simply stating that the wedding will not occur as planned. If time is short, however, phone calls will need to be made or emails sent.
Gifts that have been received should be returned, preferably unopened. If a gift has been opened, find a suitable box and return it with a note. If a gift has been used, the giver should be informed. The giver can then either ask for the item back or allow the bride or groom to keep it. And don't forget about money. If the couple received and spent gifts of money (a no-no before the wedding), they need to figure out how to return it. Likewise, shower gifts should be returned.
Any merchant to whom a deposit has been paid should be informed of the cancellation. If a deposit wasn't made, but the merchant is holding the date for the couple, he/she also needs to be contacted. Whether the couple can recoup any of their deposits depends on state law and how close to the big day the wedding was cancelled. Many states allow a merchant to set his/her own cancellation policy as long as it appears in writing in their contract or at the bottom of an invoice. Therefore, check your contracts first before contacting merchants. If contracts don't include a cancellation policy, then state law applies. Contact your state department of consumer protection, often part of the attorney general's office, for guidance.
Not all merchants will accept a cancellation from your wedding planner, your mother or a friend if that person did not sign the original contract (wedding planners should never sign contracts). Some merchants may require notification in writing from the bride or groom, not verbal notice.
A merchant might charge a cancellation fee and then later refund the balance of the deposit if he/she can re-book the date, or a merchant may state that deposits are non-refundable or have another policy. If the wedding is cancelled months in advance, it doesn't hurt to ask if any portion of a non-refundable deposit can be returned. If the wedding was cancelled because of a death, serious illness or injury, merchants are often willing to work with you. If the wedding is cancelled close to the wedding date, however, or because someone got cold feet, don't expect to get your money back.
Refunds should be secured in the same manner in which the original payment was made, by crediting a credit card or by check. If you paid a merchant in cash, it is wise to ask for a refund by check, just in case you need proof in the future. If a parent or someone other than the bride or groom made the payment, it should be returned to that person.
If the wedding is cancelled near the wedding date, couples may be required to pay any outstanding balances on contracts. If a venue cannot be re-booked, a caterer has already ordered food, or a florist ordered flowers, they will expect payment. Though it may seem like adding insult to injury, failure to comply could result in a trip to small claims court.
In addition to wedding merchants, anyone planning a shower, bachelor or bachelorette party should be informed so she/he can cancel their plans.
Broken engagements are never easy, no matter the reason. They are emotionally draining for everyone involved, but don't let emotion stand in the way of doing what must be done to put the situation behind you.
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