Four Ways to Keep Your Bridesmaids Happy
This is wedding season. Literally thousands of women around the world will share the big day with a sister, cousin or friend as a bridesmaid or maid/matron of honor. Some women will love the experience. Others will consider it to have been their worst nightmare. How a bride treats her attendants in the months and days leading up to the wedding makes all the difference.
Asking someone to be a bridesmaid should be an honor. It implies friendship and the desire to share the big moments in life with someone close to the bride. Unfortunately, too often friendships are strained or broken as stress and self-centeredness take center stage. But how do you keep your cool during what is one of the most stressful times in a woman's life?
First, a bride should carefully consider before asking someone to be part of her wedding in any capacity, whether bridesmaid, reader, soloist or helper. Think long term. Will the person be part of the bride's life in ten years or is she a new friend the bride would like to know better? If a new friend, perhaps asking her to help in a lesser capacity, such as handing out programs, is more appropriate. Only close friends and relatives should be invited to be part of the wedding party. These are people the bride can presumably rely on to be supportive through the months leading up to the wedding and on the big day.
It is not necessary to ask someone to be a bridesmaid based on relationship. If the bride barely knows the groom's sister, don't ask her to be a bridesmaid. Have a cousin who is high maintenance, touchy or bossy? Not necessary to add that kind of drama to your wedding day.
Second, ask prospective bridesmaids well in advance. Let them know what costs they may incur then let her decide if she can make the commitment, either financially or time-wise. From an etiquette perspective, when a person agrees to be part of a wedding, she also agrees to the costs involved. This may include purchasing a dress and shoes and paying travel expenses. If the person is pressed financially, lives hundreds of miles away, has a young family or another issue that might make it difficult to commit to the wedding, accept her refusal gracefully without laying a guilt trip on her.
If the bride has the financial resources to help with the costs, bridesmaids will be appreciative. However, it isn't necessary for the bride to do so. It is also not necessary to have the same number of bridesmaids and groomsmen. If someone is unable to be part of the wedding, then rather than find a less than ideal fill-in, it is okay to have fewer bridesmaids.
Third, remember that bridesmaids are not servants. They do not have to host an expensive shower or purchase an expensive gift, nor should they be expected to be at the bride's beck and call on her schedule. It is okay to let an aunt or friend host a shower, or - gasp - to not have a shower at all. The same goes for a bachlorette party. The bride is the guest of honor at these events. Let the hosts, whether bridesmaids or someone else, make the decisions, then relax and enjoy the party.
Unless the bridesmaids need to do something at a specific time, such as have a dress fitting, accept that they are busy and don't expect them to go shopping on a moment's notice or help make decisions that may not directly involve them. Instead, invite them then allow them to decide what they can reasonably do. Every conversation and email shouldn't be about the wedding. Show interest in the bridesmaid's life, have coffee just to hang out, and generally be a friend.
Finally, take a deep breath, relax and think about how your actions affect others. Feeling frustrated with the groom? Don't take it out on the bridesmaids. Treat them as you would like to be treated. Apologize when necessary. Remember the big picture - your wedding day is just one day. Friendships are for a life time. Don't do anything to jeopardize that relationship. Then, in a few years you and your bridesmaid will be able to look back on the big day with many fond memories.
Asking someone to be a bridesmaid should be an honor. It implies friendship and the desire to share the big moments in life with someone close to the bride. Unfortunately, too often friendships are strained or broken as stress and self-centeredness take center stage. But how do you keep your cool during what is one of the most stressful times in a woman's life?
First, a bride should carefully consider before asking someone to be part of her wedding in any capacity, whether bridesmaid, reader, soloist or helper. Think long term. Will the person be part of the bride's life in ten years or is she a new friend the bride would like to know better? If a new friend, perhaps asking her to help in a lesser capacity, such as handing out programs, is more appropriate. Only close friends and relatives should be invited to be part of the wedding party. These are people the bride can presumably rely on to be supportive through the months leading up to the wedding and on the big day.
It is not necessary to ask someone to be a bridesmaid based on relationship. If the bride barely knows the groom's sister, don't ask her to be a bridesmaid. Have a cousin who is high maintenance, touchy or bossy? Not necessary to add that kind of drama to your wedding day.
Second, ask prospective bridesmaids well in advance. Let them know what costs they may incur then let her decide if she can make the commitment, either financially or time-wise. From an etiquette perspective, when a person agrees to be part of a wedding, she also agrees to the costs involved. This may include purchasing a dress and shoes and paying travel expenses. If the person is pressed financially, lives hundreds of miles away, has a young family or another issue that might make it difficult to commit to the wedding, accept her refusal gracefully without laying a guilt trip on her.
If the bride has the financial resources to help with the costs, bridesmaids will be appreciative. However, it isn't necessary for the bride to do so. It is also not necessary to have the same number of bridesmaids and groomsmen. If someone is unable to be part of the wedding, then rather than find a less than ideal fill-in, it is okay to have fewer bridesmaids.
Third, remember that bridesmaids are not servants. They do not have to host an expensive shower or purchase an expensive gift, nor should they be expected to be at the bride's beck and call on her schedule. It is okay to let an aunt or friend host a shower, or - gasp - to not have a shower at all. The same goes for a bachlorette party. The bride is the guest of honor at these events. Let the hosts, whether bridesmaids or someone else, make the decisions, then relax and enjoy the party.
Unless the bridesmaids need to do something at a specific time, such as have a dress fitting, accept that they are busy and don't expect them to go shopping on a moment's notice or help make decisions that may not directly involve them. Instead, invite them then allow them to decide what they can reasonably do. Every conversation and email shouldn't be about the wedding. Show interest in the bridesmaid's life, have coffee just to hang out, and generally be a friend.
Finally, take a deep breath, relax and think about how your actions affect others. Feeling frustrated with the groom? Don't take it out on the bridesmaids. Treat them as you would like to be treated. Apologize when necessary. Remember the big picture - your wedding day is just one day. Friendships are for a life time. Don't do anything to jeopardize that relationship. Then, in a few years you and your bridesmaid will be able to look back on the big day with many fond memories.
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