When the Bride or Groom Has Been Married Before....

In today's society nearly half of marriages end in divorce. Therefore, it is very common for a bride or groom to be making their second trip (or more) down the aisle. When the bride, groom, or both are marrying for the second time, etiquette dictates that some things be handled differently than for a first wedding. The following are general etiquette guidelines to consider when planning a second wedding.

Bride’s first marriage, groom’s second:  If the bride is marrying for the first time, she may have as large a wedding as she likes. Depending on the groom’s age and circumstances, he should plan on paying for his share of the wedding expenses, rather than expecting his parents to pitch in a second time. The groom may also choose to pay for more of the total costs of the wedding if he can afford to do so, rather than expecting the bride and her family to pay for most of it.  He should also host and pay for the rehearsal dinner if his parents paid the first time around.

Bride’s second marriage, groom’s first:  The rules of etiquette concerning a bride’s second marriage are related to her age, whether she has children, the length of her first marriage, and the time that has elapsed between the end of the first marriage and the second marriage.

According to tradition, a second time bride does not wear a white gown with a train or a full veil.  Rather, she wears an off-white or pastel floor-length or tea-length gown with a simple head covering. Today, however, many second time brides do wear white gowns, choosing to wear the color that looks best with their skin tones rather than strictly adhering to tradition.  If the dress is fairly formal, the bride may choose to wear a veil on the back of her head, off her face.  A second time bride does not wear a blusher (a veil covering the face), which is a traditional sign of modesty and innocence.

The bride’s parents should not be expected to pay for the second wedding unless they offer. The costs of the wedding are the bride and groom's responsibility.

If the first wedding was large, do not try to “out do” it the second time, especially if the same relatives and friends will be invited.  Instead, plan a nice, but subdued, wedding and reception.  Also, do not expect to receive a large number of gifts the second time around, particularly from the same people who gave gifts the first time.

If the bride eloped or had a very small wedding the first time and the marriage lasted only a short time, she might choose to have a larger wedding this time.  If she has children, they might be included in the ceremony as ring bearer, flower girl, junior bridesmaid, or in another capacity. 

If the time between the end of the first marriage and the second marriage is short, a smaller, simple ceremony is in order. In all cases, it is acceptable to have a small, private ceremony followed by a larger reception, held either the same day or on a different day. Generally, the older the couple when they marry, the simpler the wedding and reception.

Second marriage for both the bride and groom: Keep it simple and tasteful. This is not the time for a lavish wedding and reception. Do not expect to receive many gifts, particularly if two households are being combined and you already have all the basics.  In some areas of the country, it is acceptable to state on the invitations “no gifts, please.”  In other areas, the mention of gifts in any manner is considered unacceptable. Asking for money instead of a gift or having a money tree at the reception are both considered poor taste and may offend guests.

Again, the reception may be larger than the wedding. Do not expect the parents of either couple to contribute to the costs of the wedding unless they specifically volunteer. The groom hosts and pays for the rehearsal dinner.

Throwing a shower for a second time bride is fine, though she may choose to have something other than a household shower if she already has everything she needs for her home. Personal showers at which the bride receives lingerie, bath products and other personal items, are a nice alternative, as are recipe showers. A host might also invite guests for tea or lunch and ask them not to bring gifts.

Inviting a former spouse or in-laws:  Whether you choose to invite a former spouse will depend on your current relationship and the former spouse’s comfort level.  If you have a good relationship and he/she would feel comfortable being with you and your extended family, feel free to invite him/her, particularly if you have children who might want their dad or mother to be present.  If, however, the former spouse would feel uncomfortable being with your family and friends, let her/him make the final decision about attending. 

If you have maintained a good relationship with your former in-laws, they may also be invited, again depending on how comfortable they might feel. It is particularly appropriate to invite them when the bride or groom is widowed and has maintained a relationship with the deceased spouse’s family. When in question, discuss the matter with the former spouse and/or in-laws before sending an invitation, then let them make the final decision about attending.

It takes as much time and care to plan a second wedding as a first one, perhaps more. With a bit of planning and attention to detail, however, the second wedding can be a lovely and memorable event.