Mother of the Bride: Avoiding Mom-zilla

We see the movies; we hear the stories. We think it’s funny when the mother of the bride acts like a mom-zilla. But is it? The bride is stressed and her wedding day may turn into a disaster. The mother is embarrassed and regretful – or maybe not, depending on personality.

What is a mother to do? Or not do? The following tips will help mother and daughter both enjoy the wedding planning process while allowing the bride to have the wedding she wants without feeling as if every decision will be a battle.  

• Remember whose wedding it is. You, mom, had your chance to be the bride; now let your daughter enjoy her turn.  Respect her decisions, even if you don’t agree. If you are helping with the costs of the wedding, you have a right to make your thoughts known and to gently guide, but don’t make mountains out of mole hills. Rather, pick your battles wisely. If the bride wants the groom to wear pale pink and he agrees, let him. If she wants an outdoor wedding and you think that is too casual, let her do it her way. Allow the couple to express their personalities, not yours, as long as they do so tastefully. If the bride is making decisions that will offend guests or are in some other way inappropriate, then speak up. Otherwise, let it go.
• Don’t insist that your friends be invited to the wedding, particularly if the couple doesn't know them. The bride and groom make the final decision about whom to invite. If they prefer a small wedding with only family and close friends, that’s okay, and you will probably enjoy it more than a large wedding where you can’t visit with guests.
• It is socially inappropriate for moms to host a bridal shower. You can, however, help someone else, but your name shouldn't appear on the invitation.  
• You may host an engagement party, but keep it simple, with the focus on the couple. Seek their in-put when inviting guests. Everyone invited should also be invited to the wedding.
• It isn't necessary to "have it all" to impress the guests. Your daughter doesn't need - and probably doesn't want - to include every current fad in her wedding. Photo booth? Chocolate fountain? Ice sculpture? Hummer limo? Horse-drawn carriage? Dove release? It is easy to overdo and in the process overwhelm guests (and the budget). Let the bride and groom decide what, if anything, special they want to include in their wedding. 

• Don’t insist on doing everything yourself. It’s wonderful that you want to be involved, but if you are racing around dealing with merchants and other details, you won’t have time to enjoy the wedding or your guests. Know when to seek help.  Consider hiring a wedding planner or at least a day-of coordinator to handle the details. You can find a reasonably priced experienced coordinator by asking your friends for referrals.  A good coordinator is worth her weight in gold, saving you both money and stress.
• Include the groom’s mother in some of the planning if she lives nearby. If the groom has no sisters, this may be his mother’s only opportunity to participate in planning a wedding. Including her can develop or strengthen relationships as you, your daughter and her future mother-in-law create memories together.
• As the mother of the bride you get to choose your special dress first. You should then inform the mother of the groom and step-mothers, if any, of your choice, both color and style. The most common mistake moms make is overdressing. Take your cue from the bridesmaids. If they wear short dresses, moms should also wear short dresses.  A long dress is only appropriate for an evening wedding and when the bridesmaids wear long ones. If bridesmaids wear shorter dresses for an evening wedding, moms should as well. Choose an age-appropriate style that flatters your figure without being too revealing. You are not there to compete with the bride or her attendants.
• Watch the alcohol (and the tongue). You don’t want to be the center of attention for the wrong reason. Don’t do or say anything inappropriate that you may later regret, including speaking inappropriately about an ex-husband, the groom's mother, or someone else.
• Relax and enjoy the day; take it all in and build memories.

 Helping your daughter plan her wedding can create some of the most enjoyable memories the two of you will share, or it can be a nightmare. By focusing on your daughter and not yourself, you can help her through the process while allowing both of you to enjoy it and without becoming the dreaded mom-zilla.