Gift Giving 101
I answer etiquette questions on a couple of web sites. From time to time we receive questions about gifts, usually from people wanting to know how to tell their guests what to give them, but occasionally from people confused about gift giving in general. Take a look at a few recent questions (grammar and spelling are exactly as the question was submitted):
“How do we ask for no gifts because we have a small house but instead for people to bring cards and insert money into them to help us on our 2nd honeymoon cruise?”
“How much money should be given by a couple attending a Saturday evening wedding reception?”
“I have a question about a couple who eloped and after the elopement registered for gifts and had a bridal shower. Now almost two years later they are having a ceremony in the Catholic Church with a reception. They want money now from the same people who gave them wedding gifts after the elopement. Would like to know what is right.”
“My best friend was invited to my daughter’s wedding with a guest. She called me and asked me how much the meal is so she can write a check to my daughter. Is it me or is this rude?”
“What's the right wording for cash gifts in a wedding invitation?”
“Should I ask for monetary gifts?”
“When we opened our wedding gifts, we discovered that several people that attended the wedding didn’t give us a gift. Should we say something to them? How long do they have to send a gift?”
In addition to these web questions, I recently received a wedding invitation that included a card saying: “Your presence is all the gift we ask. However, for your convenience we are registered at Target, Bed Bath and Beyond and REI. Because we will be moving, we would prefer to receive gift cards or money.”
People seem to be confused about what is socially acceptable when it comes to gifts, and therefore, they make mistakes – sometimes gross mistakes - that offend family and friends. And then, there are those who just don’t care if they offend if it means getting something.
Miss Manners, Judith Martin, has been outspoken in her newspaper columns on the issue of gift giving. According to her, "... there is no tasteful way -- not even any moderately decent way -- of directing present giving when you are on the receiving end. Contrary to general belief, present giving is never required. You invite people because you want to celebrate important occasions with them, and you should seem pleasantly surprised when they give you something. To act as if it (a gift) is standard payment for the privilege of attending your event is rude-rude-rude."
As Miss Manners stated, an invitation to an event is NOT a request for gifts and the hosts should not presume that a gift will be given. Rather, an invitation is a request for family and friends to share the joy of celebrating a wedding, anniversary, birthday or another occasion. It isn’t about gifts. To make it so places the event on the level of a commercial activity.
The only event for which a gift is generally expected is a shower, since the purpose of a shower is to help the bride or new mother establish her home or nursery. Most people give a wedding gift, but it is not required if the guest is unable to provide one. Gifts are rarely given at adult birthday parties, anniversary parties and vow renewal ceremonies. Gifts are not given at engagement parties unless it is a bottle of wine, a wedding planning book for the bride, or something similar.
From an etiquette perspective, it is considered inappropriate to mention gifts of any type in an invitation, except in shower invitations issued by a third party (not the guest of honor). Including registry information is only acceptable in a shower invitation, and then only in certain parts of the country. In some places, particularly the South and East, mentioning a registry at all is unacceptable. The way to make registry information and gift preferences known is to do so verbally when asked. It is acceptable to share registry information with family and bridesmaids, so they can also provide the information when asked. It is also socially acceptable to mention registry locations on a wedding or baby web site or blog and direct guests to the site.
Asking for money or gift cards is socially acceptable only when done verbally and only when asked. Having a money tree or a wishing well at an event is a major breach of etiquette. Guests should not be expected to help finance a honeymoon or help pay for the costs of the party or wedding.
One of the questions above mentions giving a gift equal to the amount spent on the meal. That is also a breach of etiquette. Gifts are given based on the giver’s budget and how well they know the guest/guests of honor. To try to find out how much was spent per person on food is nosy. If the hosts volunteer the information in an effort to obtain gifts of equal value, their priorities are in the wrong place. Fortunately, this tacky idea has largely gone by the wayside and it was never an issue in this area.
If you are planning a special event, take time to check an etiquette book or ask an older mature friend or relative who understands the finer points of etiquette before doing something that might offend and make you look immature or greedy in the eyes of family and friends. A few minutes spent learning what is socially acceptable can prevent problems later. An event shouldn’t be about what you will get, but about enjoying time with family and friends.
“How do we ask for no gifts because we have a small house but instead for people to bring cards and insert money into them to help us on our 2nd honeymoon cruise?”
“How much money should be given by a couple attending a Saturday evening wedding reception?”
“I have a question about a couple who eloped and after the elopement registered for gifts and had a bridal shower. Now almost two years later they are having a ceremony in the Catholic Church with a reception. They want money now from the same people who gave them wedding gifts after the elopement. Would like to know what is right.”
“My best friend was invited to my daughter’s wedding with a guest. She called me and asked me how much the meal is so she can write a check to my daughter. Is it me or is this rude?”
“What's the right wording for cash gifts in a wedding invitation?”
“Should I ask for monetary gifts?”
“When we opened our wedding gifts, we discovered that several people that attended the wedding didn’t give us a gift. Should we say something to them? How long do they have to send a gift?”
In addition to these web questions, I recently received a wedding invitation that included a card saying: “Your presence is all the gift we ask. However, for your convenience we are registered at Target, Bed Bath and Beyond and REI. Because we will be moving, we would prefer to receive gift cards or money.”
People seem to be confused about what is socially acceptable when it comes to gifts, and therefore, they make mistakes – sometimes gross mistakes - that offend family and friends. And then, there are those who just don’t care if they offend if it means getting something.
Miss Manners, Judith Martin, has been outspoken in her newspaper columns on the issue of gift giving. According to her, "... there is no tasteful way -- not even any moderately decent way -- of directing present giving when you are on the receiving end. Contrary to general belief, present giving is never required. You invite people because you want to celebrate important occasions with them, and you should seem pleasantly surprised when they give you something. To act as if it (a gift) is standard payment for the privilege of attending your event is rude-rude-rude."
As Miss Manners stated, an invitation to an event is NOT a request for gifts and the hosts should not presume that a gift will be given. Rather, an invitation is a request for family and friends to share the joy of celebrating a wedding, anniversary, birthday or another occasion. It isn’t about gifts. To make it so places the event on the level of a commercial activity.
The only event for which a gift is generally expected is a shower, since the purpose of a shower is to help the bride or new mother establish her home or nursery. Most people give a wedding gift, but it is not required if the guest is unable to provide one. Gifts are rarely given at adult birthday parties, anniversary parties and vow renewal ceremonies. Gifts are not given at engagement parties unless it is a bottle of wine, a wedding planning book for the bride, or something similar.
From an etiquette perspective, it is considered inappropriate to mention gifts of any type in an invitation, except in shower invitations issued by a third party (not the guest of honor). Including registry information is only acceptable in a shower invitation, and then only in certain parts of the country. In some places, particularly the South and East, mentioning a registry at all is unacceptable. The way to make registry information and gift preferences known is to do so verbally when asked. It is acceptable to share registry information with family and bridesmaids, so they can also provide the information when asked. It is also socially acceptable to mention registry locations on a wedding or baby web site or blog and direct guests to the site.
Asking for money or gift cards is socially acceptable only when done verbally and only when asked. Having a money tree or a wishing well at an event is a major breach of etiquette. Guests should not be expected to help finance a honeymoon or help pay for the costs of the party or wedding.
One of the questions above mentions giving a gift equal to the amount spent on the meal. That is also a breach of etiquette. Gifts are given based on the giver’s budget and how well they know the guest/guests of honor. To try to find out how much was spent per person on food is nosy. If the hosts volunteer the information in an effort to obtain gifts of equal value, their priorities are in the wrong place. Fortunately, this tacky idea has largely gone by the wayside and it was never an issue in this area.
If you are planning a special event, take time to check an etiquette book or ask an older mature friend or relative who understands the finer points of etiquette before doing something that might offend and make you look immature or greedy in the eyes of family and friends. A few minutes spent learning what is socially acceptable can prevent problems later. An event shouldn’t be about what you will get, but about enjoying time with family and friends.
Comments
Post a Comment